Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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