I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
