i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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