I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
