I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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