Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You pole danced in your parka.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
