I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
