Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
