Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
