you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
