Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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