I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
