Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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