I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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