I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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