Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
