it wasn't lemon gatorade
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
