I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm too high and old for this...
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
