Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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