I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
