I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
