My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
