I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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