sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
