If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
