You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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