You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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