last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
