just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
