The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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