would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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