Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
she pinky promised me she was 18
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
