My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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