if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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