Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
