My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
