Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
