So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
