um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
