Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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