So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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