Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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