my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
