I wish I could teleport
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
