mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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