I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I am mentally ready for anal.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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