yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
