so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
