I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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