Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Someone signed my nipple.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
