it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
